Dom Joly

Profile: Full name: Dominic John Joly Area of interest: Culture, Society, Celebrity - often the humorous observation and reaction to social mores Journals/Organisation: The Independent on Sunday | The Independent Email: Personal website: Website: http://www.independent.co.uk/biography/dom-joly Blog: http://www.domjoly.tv | http://blogs.guardian.co.uk/arts/author/dom_joly/index.html Representation: PBJ Artist Management Networks: https://twitter.com/#!/domjoly | http://www.facebook.com/people/Dom-Joly/672178486 | MySpace

Biography: About: Education: Dragon School, Oxford; Haileybury College, Hertfordshire; School of Oriental and African Studies, London: Arabic & International Politics (1st Class Hons) Education (Wikipedia) Career: MTV: runner (London); European Commission: political researcher (intern), Prague; BBC, Around Westminster: researcher; New Statesman and Roth's Parliamentary Profiles: political researcher; following work on a Channel 4 comedy series as a researcher, became a TV performer Early career; Political career; Journalism (Wikipedia) Current position/role: The Independent: Columnist also writes/has written for: The Sunday Times (travel), Esquire Magazine, GQ, Mail on Sunday, Evening Standard currently writes a monthly piece in FHM called 'Dom Joly's Life Lessons Learned' (since 2007) Other roles/Main role: Comedian, Writer Other activities: Disclosures: Viewpoints/Insight: Peter Paphides: The record doctor: Dom Joly, The Observer, 20th February 2005 Broadcast media: Video: Television shows (Wikipedia); IMDb YouTube Controversy/Criticism: Awards/Honours: Pepperami/World Cup Campaign - Campaign Media Stunt of the Year Award, 1999 Trigger Happy TV - Silver Rose of Montreux & BBC2 Award for Best Entertainment Show, 2000 Scoops: Other: Personal life (Wikipedia)

Books & Debate: Letters to my Golf Club (2007) OCLC 153556223 Look at me, look at me! (2004) OCLC 56641849 Latest work: The dark tourist: sightseeing in the world's most unlikely holiday destinations OCLC63691882, August 2010 Speaking/Appearances: Debate:

The Independent on Sunday: Column name: Remit/Info: Culture, Society, Celebrity and Sport - often the humorous observation and reaction to social mores. Section: Role: Columnist Pen-name: Email: Website: Independent.co / Dom Joly Commissioning editor: Day published: Sunday and Monday Regularity: Weekly Column format: Average length: 650 words

Articles: 2013 If you're a lag on the lam, head for Chelmsford - We might have chosen the wrong town in which to film if we were looking for upstanding citizens - 19th May You can't park your souped-up story here - As a TV "prankster" (I hate that word) I get a lot of stick - 12th May My name is Dom, and my wife is a grass addict - I suppose it happens to us all at some stage – none of us is safe from addiction - 5th May Real live heroes in the golf wars - I am fast becoming a showbiz cliché: the Jimmy Tarbuck de nos jours - 28th April A new school is scary; the kids are nervous too - Both my kids started at their new school last week - 21st April Rum thing, the reputation of Bermuda - 14th April I turned off the lights at Television Centre - For trivia fans, I was in the last programme ever to be filmed in BBC Television Centre - 7th April Yes, dressing as a rodent is a man skill - So what usually happens when a minor celebrity does the move into a country house thing? - 30th March You can call me Your Excellency, and save a life - My family are finally proud of me. After years of putting up with me dressing as a squirrel and travelling round the world getting drunk, I have finally done something worthwhile - 24th March For Syria's young refugees, childhood is over - I was in Jordan with Save the Children last week - 17th March Now I'm moving house for one day only - Moving house really brings you up to speed with the state of customer service in modern-day Britain - 10th March The removal men are sizing me up for a box - I'm still moving house. I now can't remember when or why I started moving house - 3rd March How to move house and bypass divorce - They say that moving house is the third most stressful experience after death and divorce - 24th February The name's Terry, Terry of the mountains - I'm in the French Alps, skiing in a small British village called Val d'Isère - 17th February Pass my yellow corduroys, I'm moving house - I am going to brush up on my country etiquette, feign an interest in farming - 10th February From Daley to Dimbleby, with no Speedos - Nobody can accuse me of being pigeonholed in this weird world of showbusiness - 3rd February Three funerals and a beheading - Was someone trying to tell me something? I laughed half-heartedly but it was freaking me out - 27th January It's horses for courses in Kazakhstan - Until I read the news last week, I had assumed that the only time I had eaten horsemeat was on a visit to Kazakhstan a couple of years ago - 20th January I knew it would end messily with Tom Daley - Ihave a difficult time saying no to things. This has got me into a lot of trouble in the past - 13th January

Articles: 2012 Man takes on schnitzel... and schnitzel wins - "Let's go up north for a few days…" is how my Canadian holidays invariably end up - 30th December Woo, those crazy, heady, rock-band days - All the flags were at half-mast along the seven-hour drive from New York to the Canadian border - 23rd December There's nothing to beat a quiet night out - I have just taken my wife "up" to London for a big night out - 16th December There are rules here to stop a prank backfiring - A chill went through my bones when I heard about the sad and terrible death of nurse Jacintha Saldanha - 9th December Churchill had the right idea, sartorially - I know that it's all anybody is talking about this weekend - 2nd December This squabbling sect has no place in the Lords - Imagine a body with a female hereditary leader, a male chief executive and an all-male board - 25th November A half-time summary of my game of life - Last week I turned 45. That means that, best-case scenario, I'm halfway through life - 18th November I've discovered how to lose weight: fast - The problem with this amazing diet that I'm on is that it doesn't have a name - 11th November Welcome to my eight wonders of the world - I took my family to one of the Seven Wonders of the World yesterday - 4th November The only Brit poolside without a tattoo - I'm in Mexico hoping that the edge of Hurricane Sandy will not give us a Mischief Night visit - 27th October My Beirut is not battered enough for the US - 21st October I'm trying to ignore Twitter #betterthingstodo - I'm getting seriously bored of Twitter. You just know that when "Dave" the Prime Minister joins s..... - 14th October I'm not shy, but those Loose Women are scary - Being a guest on television shows is always a curious affair. I was on two last week, and they we..... - 7th October Nepal's tragic news sent a shiver down my spine - I awoke, as usual, with the radio on - 30th September Help me, please: I'm a stranger in Mummyland - I find my life is very mixed up - 23rd September I've got the back-to-school blues - I spent my only day off last week school-shopping, checking what else is on offer in our area, ju..... - 16th September I pig out every other day, and the weight falls off - Ihave been staying in London all week, because I have been very busy doing promotion work for my new TV show. Have I mentioned this before? - 9th September I'm out of step, so I'm keeping schtum - I should really write this column about the Paralympics, because it seems to be what everyone else is doing - 2nd September Tired but happy at end of my marathon - There can be few things more pleasurable in life than floating gently down the Ardèche on a hot August day - 19th August In France, there is just a hint of bitterness - I'm in the Ardèche on a family holiday, so my Olympic viewing has been via French TV - 12th August A hit show means I can annoy people again - Over the past 15 weeks or so I have travelled across the UK in order to dress up as characters and harass the general public - 5th August London's warmth beats sweltering in Beijing - Danny Boyle's Olympic opening ceremony took me straight back to this time four years ago when I covered the Beijing games for The Independent - 29th July Life moves faster with Kriss Akabusi - I'm assuming that having an Olympian in my car allows me to use the lanes - 22nd July I am medallion man – until the mafia arrives - A large Neapolitan swaggered into the bar we were filming in and claimed one of our crew had knocked him off his moped - 15th July My latest invention – sausage television - 8th July If Cornwall enters this century, tweet - 1st July Football crazy, and it's all my son's fault - I hate football. Scratch that. I loathe football. I detest and despise this hideous game that is so all-pervasive that nobody ever asks you if you like football - 24th June I make a great garden gnome, but a lousy house-seller - 17th June Honour is upheld on the playing fields of Oxon - I used to think I was a bit of a slacker - 10th June Eurovision's host likes things puny or phoney. Perfect - I didn't watch The Eurovision Song Contest. Actually, I'm not sure I've ever seen it, but I'm certain that it's not for me - 27th May It's not me they hate. It's the clothes (I hope) - One of the interesting aspects of filming a hidden-camera show is the opportunity it gives you to become someone else. - 20th May Tweets to followers ratio too high? You may be a loony - My second week of hidden camera filming around the UK is over and it has taught me a lot about three of our most visited tourist towns - 13th May Operation Bacon nearly blew my cover at the bank - My first week of "secret" filming is over and I'm knackered - 6th May Dressing like Churchill closes doors in Marrakech - In Marrakesh for a couple of days' rest and relaxation I have been catching up on my reading - 29th April On with my dodgy anorak and I'm ready to rumble - One of the main secrets of hidden camera is to be, well, hidden - 22nd April What has four legs and the IQ of a guppy? My dog - What do you do when you realise that your dog is a moron? - 15th April On with the motley – it's time to fool Britannia - I'm just getting ready to start annoying the people of Britain with my new TV show, Fool Britannia - 8th April Join me in my suntrap – everyone else does - I enjoyed our brief summer. Within two hours of the sun appearing I was being strong-armed into carrying out all our garden furniture and setting up what we call The French Quarter - 1st April The odds of me doing some DIY? About 100-1 - I'm not much of a gambling man but, given a tip, I will occasionally have a punt - 25th March When unravelling the Budget, focus on the economic and public finance figures - Economic View: The 320 pages of the 2007 Budget turned out to be almost complete rubbish - 18th March Could a 50ft chicken stop Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen? - There's something weird going on at the farm up the hill again - 18th March Even at 11,000 feet, I can offend anyone, any time - One of the joys of travelling is spotting the weirdest signs on display purely for my viewing pleasure - 11th March I'm after the Abominable Snowman, but nothing yeti.. - Trekking up to 4,000 metres high above the Khumbu valley in Nepal, I came across a curious sight - 4th March I'm stumped by uses for a tiger's bottom - In Kathmandu, the capital of Nepal, I'm about to head up into the Himalayas towards Everest Base Camp in search of the Yeti - 26th February Monkeying around with the Loch Ness Monster - I've taken my wife and kids monster-hunting for half term - 19th February No one's sneering at the people of Homs now - Two stories dominated the news agenda last week – Harry Bloody Redknapp and Homs - 12th February The secret of happy memories? Don't keep a diary - I am desperately trying to get fit in time for my final monster-hunting trip in Nepal - 5th February I should get the award for behaving badly - I went to the National Television Awards last week. I don't normally go to awards ceremonies unless I'm presenting or receiving something. This rule comes after several disastrous evenings where I've got too drunk and offended too many people - 29th January How I survived my very own Conradian nightmare - I'm now back in the UK recovering from a quite extraordinary trip to the Republic of the Congo - 22nd January If I do find a monster, no one will believe me - Brazzaville is quite an extraordinary place. It sits on the mighty river Congo, a vast expanse of muddy water dotted with dug-out canoes carrying sure-footed fishermen - 15th January If I'm munched by a mokele mbembe, farewell, dear readers - I'm off to the Congo for two weeks. I'm still travelling the world looking for reputed monsters to put in my new book, Scary Monsters and Super Creeps - 8th January My Tokyo shopping trip ends in beers - Tokyo is so big, so dense, so sprawling that it is more like an infinite number of villages that have been joined together by some crazed town planner - 1st January

Articles: 2011 In Japan, my monster-hunt turns into a pilgrimage - I had very mixed feelings as the Shinkansen pulled into Hiroshima station - 18th December I love 'Matilda'. It's almost as good as television - I'm not a lover of musical theatre. By this, I'm not subtly trying to put an end to the scandalous rumours that I'm a homosexual. No, it's just the truth. Musicals are not for me. OK – I did once enjoy Evita when I was a kid. I even bought the album - 11th December My infallible guide to clogging up the Cotswolds - Picking kids up from school is a tricky business. If I'm writing at home then I enjoy doing it, as it's a welcome break and an opportunity for me to stretch my legs and chat to a couple of parents - 4th December My kitten strikes a blow for women everywhere - Last week, I saw the funniest internet viral I have seen in years - 27th November Magnificent Syria deserves leaders to match - As Syria slowly falls apart on blurry mobile phone footage, it brings back so many memories of this wonderful country - 20th November I need a large glass of merlot with my jelly bean chaser - Napa Valley is no place for kids. It's California's wine country and my children, being only seven and 11, are not hugely into wine - 6th November So, did you pass any secrets to Mr Bigfoot, sir? - I'm in San Francisco, relaxing for a couple of days in an unseasonably sunny City of Fog before venturing up into the wild Californian north to try and find Bigfoot - 30th October The Mounties always get their phone call - I've finished my expedition to the glorious Okanagan Valley in British Columbia (Canada's California, apparently) investigating Ogopogo, the monster that is supposed to inhabit Lake Okanagan - 24th October Oh for Okanagan and the awesome Ogopogo - Ogopogo is supposed to live in a huge cave under a scary looking island called Rattlesnake Island - 16th October Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow - I decided against buying a boat in the end. One of the big deciding factors was that I live in Gloucestershire and am about as landlocked as Switzerland - 9th October A sailor's life for me – as long as I have a permit - I've suddenly found myself thinking more and more about getting a boat - 2nd October Nose... Cameras... Action! I'm Trigger Happy again - I've been filming hidden camera stuff for the last week and I've forgotten how much it takes out of you – the waves of adrenaline and the subsequent crashes are killers and I've just slept for 24 hours solid - 25th September Only in France do they run marathons fuelled by wine - Last week I was filming in and around a lovely, hot Bordeaux. On my second day there, after a strenuous day at "wine school" (who knew such a wonderful institution existed?), I came across the Marathon Du Medoc - 18th September When disguise is more than just making others laugh - I'm back from Canada and straight into filming. It's all is a bit of a shock to the system when you've been in Politeland for a month - 11th September Blue-sky thinking spoiled by a powerful tornado - The weather has become a constant source of debate here in the last week of my Canadian Lakes holiday - 28th August Water toys have got blown up out of all proportion - This year, on my annual Canadian lakeside holiday, I'm on Lake Rosseau - 21st August This wasn't the rebranding of Britain I had in mind - When, last week, I wrote about Canadians and their view of Brits being not a little influenced by Mary Poppins, I urged us to beef up our PR. Little did I imagine that the country would take this so literally - 14th August It seems I come from the land of Chim Chim Cheree - Canadians look to Britain as some kind of fairy-tale idyll - 7th August After three months on the road, thank you and goodnight - My tour has finally come to an end - 30th July It takes real custard to offend a billionaire - I found myself with the curious sensation of feeling sorry for Rupert Murdoch - 24th July The horrors of Speech Day mark the start of summer - I was trying to sleep in after a late-night homecoming from some far-flung gig. I was dreaming of stalking a particularly annoying heckler with a high-powered hunting rifle and a night-scope - 17th July A sad homecoming, to bury my brave father - My father died last week. He was a good man who served in the Fleet Air Arm in the Second World War before running the family business in Beirut with integrity and considerable bravery. He had a good life, but it's still a shock when you realise that somebody is no longer there - 10th July Fancy that – Kate and Will have gone where family is all - My wife being Canadian, I am incredibly pro-Canuck and spend every August there. So I hope the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge enjoy their first royal tour together – and this advice for them and all travellers to Canada - 3rd July A gazebo in the rain is my idea of hell - Finally a night off from touring, and I was very much looking forward to slouching in front of the TV - 26th June Living it up at the Hotel du Microwave - 19th June Nando's can keep its black card and its clucking awful puns - As I continue my seemingly endless tour of the country, certain lessons are learned - 12th June I wasn't prepared for audience participation - I'm so new to this live performance business that I'm learning as I go - 5th June One moment, tweeting fun. Next, a cell with Piers Morgan - It's been a very weird week. I'm still on my never-ending tour of the UK, being driven from one place to another, one lonely dressing room to the next - 29th May Vitamin highs, turkey lows, and a nice, cool Bellini - My UK tour rolls on (19 down, 51 to go) and I'm seriously starting to flag - 22nd May I bet Bono doesn't scavenge for a post-gig kebab - 15th May I'm so rock'n'roll I read a paper in the greenroom - My epic tour of the UK has started - 8th May The women wore wedding gowns and the men wept - I woke up to a village with no bunting, so I presumed that we weren't having a street party, which was a relief - 1st May It's such a relief to stop reading tweets,' I tweeted - 24th April I'm a West End star, but keep it under your hat - My tour has started with some preliminary warm-up dates in the West End of London - 17th April My daughter played a tree, but she was really wooden - I've been sitting at home, desperately trying to polish off the rough script for my upcoming UK tour. It's got to the stage where I really can't do much more until I give it a trial run in this week's London warm-up - 10th April I'm tired of this plot. And I don't think much of the cast - The novelty of my broken foot has most definitely worn off now. I know it's the obvious question, but if one more person asks me, "What happened to it?", I'm going to ram a crutch down their throat - 3rd April We celebs are busy, busy, busy, tweeting about each other - Going to airports is always weird for me if I'm not actually off anywhere. It's like an alcoholic just hanging around in a pub watching other people drink - 27th March That's a nasty case of dandruff. Trousers down, please - I have had my operation, and am now strapped up tighter than a very tight thing, in a cast that seems to have been laced with itching powder before they put it on my broken foot - 20th March My metatarsal mishap makes me a footballing superstar - I'm back from Argentina, a lot earlier than expected - 13th March Over the rainbow – and over my hatred of musicals - If you could design the worst evening in the world for me, it would be a long car ride with kids into London to go to see a musical - 6th March Before take-off, I look for an appetising passenger - I'm finally in Buenos Aires after an overlong flight that was delayed in Sao Paulo - 27th February I hope there's a question on why north London is smug - I went to a pub quiz in north London last week. It was a last-minute thing – somebody I knew spotted on Twitter that I was in town at a loose end, and asked me to come along and join their team - 21st February In Hollywood, I blend in by shivering - It's very difficult to know what to wear in Los Angeles. Every day you wake up and look out of the window and the sky is a piercing blue and the sun is gently fondling your eyelids - 12th February LA is like the Cotswolds, but with better facelifts - I'm off to Los Angeles for a week. It's for work, but as it's my wife's birthday, I am taking her with me for a treat - 6th February You're in trouble when they melt your head - I had to get a mould of my head made last week. I'm about to start filming something in which I will need to be in disguise. For this disguise, I need to become an even older man than I am – hence the visit to the prosthetics experts - 30th January It must be the cuts – sympathy has been rationed - I think I have SAD. Or possibly ME. It might, however, just be Man-Flu, but I'm sure it isn't. I'm really not well at all. I am lethargic and unmotivated and I lounge around the house all day complaining to my long-suffering wife, Stacey, that "I am not well" - 23rd January Contemporary art is a load of old poo - I've just been to an art "do". The artists were old friends, and they always have a great turnout for their shows. This one was particularly impressive and the place was crammed with peculiarly dressed people trying to look both hip and unconcerned while glugging as much free drink as possible - 16th January Sir KP MP, knight in shining armour, at the service of a PM on a sticky wicket - Weird World of Sport: 'I could do the same for the economy as I do for cricket, storming out ofthe pavilion to sort everything out. You got a deficit? I'll just whack it out of the ground' - 10th January The cricket-loving Aussie is an endangered species - I've been in my Indonesian hideaway for 10 days now, and my world view has shrunk to the size of the little bay that we're living in - 9th January Even on Planet KP Pietersen remains as self-effacing and modest as a peacock - "Finger is it? I'd have thought everyone else would have the finger injuries, what with them busy pointing at you and laughing" - 3rd January Welcome to my glass menagerie - I'm in Indonesia, on the island of Sulawesi, on a two-week trip to teach my daughter to scuba dive - 2nd January

Articles: 2010 The real secret to winning the Ashes? It's all in the quality of the sledging, mate - Weird World of Sport: I just rue the fact that the powers that be in television have clearly decided that we are not to hear any of what's going on - 27th December Pranging your mate's car is no laughing matter - We live in the very worst place in England, when snow comes. Our house lies in a valley and the only way out of the village is by way of three steep hills. A local farmer very kindly grits said hills but, even so, our family cars were unable to make an escape. We decided to dig in, delve deep within our larder, and live off our reserves - 26th December Blatter's big tent has air-conditioned Qatar covered – almost all welcome - "The people live in tents, so why not just make the fans do so as well. It would be cheaper and look good for television." - 20th December I had a spot of bother on the Didcot line - I associate Christmas with pressure to see people I don't really want to see - 19th December Ponting dressed up as Ned Kelly? The Aussies really are running out of ideas - 'I agree that it would be good television but I think that the armour would be a little impractical and I'm not sure it's in the rules' - 13th December Drop in for my finest crocodile foot - I have become totally institutionalised after my time in the Australian jungle - 12th December Down Under Diary: Jungle fever! - Dom Joly tells all about his longed-for release from a sodden camp and a desperate quest for the Test score - 6th December Down in the rainforest, something whirrs... - With the help of a hidden Wi-Fi gizmo, our man breaks his I'm a Celebrity... isolation to dish the dirt on Lembit Opik, and feasting on koala - 21st November Now I'm a zoologist, my furry costumes are specimens - Two days out of Dushanbe on horseback and my buttocks are bleeding. We are an expedition of six riders and three armed soldiers - 14th November Curry, beer and darts... What Linda Pizzuti learnt about being a Liverpoolie this week - Weird World Of Sport: "Uuuhhmm, I'm sure the fans appreciate that sort of stuff but it would probably be best if you didn't actually sing those sort of songs" - 7th November I've turned the tables on the tabloids - Stephen Fry got round his latest self-imposed Twitter exile by writing a long and excellent blog, putting his side of the story on womendon'tlikesexgate - 7th November Strictly speaking Henson is still more into rumba and tango than rough and tumble - "Sometimes I have dreams about me being a great painter, like Banksy, or being a poet. I wrote a poem in the green room before Strictly last week" - 1st November Fit? Me? I'm like a pot-bellied pig with a punchbag - Trying to get fit is not as simple an affair as I would have thought - 31st October Coming or going? Decisions can be tough when you're spoilt for choice - Weird World Of Sport: "Give us spicy beef, onions, anchovies... actually, scrap that, mate... pineapple, ham and sultanas." - 25th October I'm at the Albert Hall and it's rubbish - I played the Albert Hall last week. I was on stage for all of 30 seconds but still... box ticked - 24th October Howdy doody. It's the £2012 hotline. Can I interest you in a Lord Coe piggy-back? - Weird World of Sport: On the morning of the opening ceremony Lord Coe arrives at your door and carries you piggyback style through the streets of London to the venue - 18th October I could have told myself where to go - I now firmly believe that satnavs are an elaborate practical joke - 17th October Would you Adam and Eve it? I get a butchers as the lads plan a bit of a barney - 'I don't have any Doc Martens but I do have some boots that are like, for hiking and stuff... will those do?' - 11th October Calm down, Hastings. I don't give in to pier pressure - More hassle on Twitter last week. I think I'm going to have to discontinue my account soon, as I seem to offend somebody every time I put finger to key - 10th October Forget Delhi belly, but watch out for snakes and tigers in the athletes' village - Weird World of Sport: 'I'm on the fourth floor of Block B and there is what I think is a large tiger walking up and down the balcony outside our rooms' - 4th October My 82-year-old mother-in-law thinks I'm a square - It was all going to be so rock' n'roll. A friend of mine in the States organises a huge free festival at the gloriously named Merriweather Post Pavilion in Maryland - 3rd October How can I help you? 24-hour phone line rides to the rescue at Delhi's Games - Weird World of Sport: 'My main concern however is that there is a long electric wire hanging down from where the light should be' - 27th September For a cheery welcome at Dulles, pose as a doughnut - I'm in Washington DC for four days. I decided it would be fun for my daughter to celebrate her 10th birthday in the capital of the USA - 26th September Cider with Freddie? Careers advice for a cricketer who has finally left the crease - Weird World of Sport: "There's a cider company in the South-west who are very keen to put you on their label" - 20th September My scariest place? Provincial towns after 9pm - The only way we Brits can "touch skin", whether that be sex or fighting, is with the help of a little alcohol - 19th September I'll moida da bum! Haye and Harrison take boxing bravado to idiotic new heights - Weird World Of Sport: This guy could not win a fight with a goldfish. His career is rubbish and I am giving him a chance he doesn't deserve - 13th September I could play for England, now I hang around hotels - I've been on a tour of the North this week promoting my book (The Dark Tourist ... thanks for asking) - 12th September 2010 Spot-fixing had the cricket world stumped but not me and my scanner - Weird World of Sport: 'Listen, we need to come to an agreement about what might be occurring in your big game...' - 6th September Always look on the bright side of Lund - When I was invited to a Swedish comedy festival to appear at a question-and-answer session on my "life's work", I assumed that it was a joke - 5th September How Clegg tried to win over Fifa's bid team - Clegg has never really expressed any previous interest in the game - 30th August In my alternative society, they would wear pink cords - I'm in Denmark for a couple of days – the only Scandinavian country I hadn't visited. It often has the "happiest population in the world" in those unfathomable surveys by interested parties - 29th August Wanted, urgently... first-class degree from the university of sporting life - Weird World of Sport: 'I might specialise in the relationship between sportsmen and the sedentary spectator' - 23rd August Bovine ablutions, and other country ways - It's the sheer level of violence that I can't comprehend - 22nd August A very tall tale from a Spanish hotel - I was wondering whether it might be possible for you to forget I stayed here - 16th August Just popping out for a crossbow, dear - The Cotswolds were deserted as we drove back from France - 15th August Formidable! Drunk surfing can claim a certain je ne sais quoi - It was back to the beach for me this week. As my extended French exile (sorry, holiday) rolled on inexorably, I was forced to find things to take up my time - 9th August I am the victim of a dastardly art heist - I used to love Belgium, the nation about which General De Gaulle once snorted, 'Two provinces don't make a country' - 8th August Life's a beach and the effort leaves you worn out - Everywhere I looked the beach was awash with sporting activity - 2nd August Down and out in Paris and Twitterdom - I died last week. A comedian of whom I had never heard but with a fairly decent number of followers tweeted that I was dead - 1st August Why the sound of leather on willow is muted in France - 'So you call this stupid version of the game French cricket because we are inferior to you?' - 26th July I'm not racist, but ... those Brits should just go home - I'm worried that I might be racist. I've tried my best to get along with them, accept their cultural ways and live and let live, but I just can't. I cannot abide being on holiday near other Brits - 25th July How the World Cup ended with glasses of sangria all round - Weird World of Sport: At dinner, my waiter was Spanish. He could barely concentrate on taking my order - 19th July Septics just love my Cockney rhyming slang - I'm in New York again and have been filming all week. I haven't done any hidden camera stuff for ages and it takes a little getting used to - 18th July It's best to follow the action from the 'wrong' side of the world - Weird World of Sport: I simply "became" Spanish and forgot about English sporting disasters for a while - 12th July Mr Angry makes a phone call - I suffered total phone rage last week. My mum is signed up to some dastardly outfit called Tiscali/TalkTalk. They provide her with broadband. I set it up for her originally and so the account is in my name - 11th July The voice of tennis – a true great in the commentating racket - Henman has now become the equivalent of the British referees and linesmen at the World Cup - 6th July VIP stands for Vaguely Impecunious Punter - As you read this I shall be at the poshest festival in Britain – Cornbury, near Charlbury in Oxfordshire. It's not far from me: apart from the local cider festival and the annual Steam Fair, it's our big local event - 4th July Football, America and me – now that's special - Every four years I suspend hostilities and watch all of the World Cup - 28th June Hell is other people being oh so calm. Omm.... - Everyone has a personal vision of hell. I used to think that it was something along the lines of being stuck in a lift with (insert your bête noire here) for an indeterminate period of time while experimental jazz was played on a loop through crackly speakers - 27th June Zut alors! Domenech for le chop as Sarkozy readies the guillotine - Weird World of Sport: "You are joking of course. There is no way that the magnificent French nation can be defeated by a bunch of sombrero-wearing siesta merchants?" - 21st June Fatherhood is... going to a Leona Lewis concert - Sometimes it's really hard to be a parent. I'm very keen that my kids have decent taste in music, so I try my best to expose them to a wide variety of what I consider to be good stuff - 20th June World Cup calls but Dubya's on a mission to stay out of Africa - Weird World of Sport: "I knew a guy went to Cape Town and he got his ass chewed off by a baboon. Africa is a real dangerous place – it's where lions come from..." - 14th June New York, New York, so trendy it hurts - I love meetings – free coffee, lots of talk about potential projects without actually having to do anything there and then. When the meeting in question is in New York and you have been flown there for that sole purpose, it doesn't get much better - 13th June I prayed my flight would land. I hadn't paid for oxygen - Just back from a flying visit to France for half-term. It was with Ryanair so it wasn't until we actually took off that I was sure that we would actually be on a plane – we'd had to pay so many extras, for luggage, boarding, taxes – that I suddenly panicked that nothing had ever specifically mentioned a flight - 6th June Fat pay cheques and sweet nothings when David phones Posh - "Babes, it's me, David." "David... David the stylist?' "No babes... David... Fluffles...." - 31st May You have to dig deep to fall this far - Just back from the annual ordeal that is school sports day. I'm being unfair in some ways: my kids' school is beautiful – lovely grounds, happy children. The problem, as ever, is me, because I suffer from overly competitive parent syndrome - 30th May Make your own luck – corner the market in mascots for 2012 - Basically, we just get that company to make a couple of weird costumes and then we can flip itround and say that they are whatever you want them to be - 24th May I took my wife to the Ivors... but so did Simon Le Bon - I realised that my wife had been stuck in the country for too long when I saw her face glued to the taxi window - 23rd May Señor Murray, why you wear women's clothing? - "Oh for God's sake, Andy, give the bloody ball-hitting a rest for a day. You're getting obsessed..." - 17th May Police! There's a big Mexican by Big Ben - I spent the post-election debacle, like everyone else, glued to the television. I was terrified that I might miss Adam Boulton beat a man to death and there was the constant risk of missing another Gordon Brown (remember him) resign - 16th May The Tiger tapes... how Elin took the world No 1 by the tail - "I told Elin that I would clean the Escalade's garage out and then I've got to Dyson the whole pool house" - 10th May What a coincidence – my party had a power cut too - I've always fancied watching an election unravel from the "inside". When I got the call asking me whether I'd like to be on the BBC boat party, moored underneath the London Eye, I jumped at the chance - 9th May I feel betrayed... My best friend has started to like football - Now, like some rabid missionary, he was trying to get me to come over to the synthetic-shirt brigade - 3rd May A whiff of fantasy and the sweet smell of revenge - I don't understand why you can't flush the loos on train while you're in a station - 2nd May The problem with surfing in LA is that the water's really cold - Weird World of Sport: There's a queuing system and woe betide you if you try to jump it... man - 26th April Stuck in LA, I watch TV and brood about cat litter - I've been stuck in LA all week – another victim of the volcano that nobody outside Iceland can pronounce - 25th April Jump to it for 2012 'easy' Olympics - Wrestling is for big men who don’t want to be bouncers. Isn't it simply a bar brawl in tights? - 19th April 2010 Small is beautiful, except when it's a car in LA - I'm in LA. I managed to take the last plane out of Europe before it was covered in metres of volcanic ash and everyone ran screaming into the sea - 18th April The National? Pfff. Try this Siena thriller - I was walking around the Piazza Del Campo wandering how they could allow a horse race to take place there - 12th April I'm a man. Why would I want to visit a spa? - "For God's sake Dom, stop looking at the prostitute and keep your eyes on the road." My wife had a point. Our two right-hand side wheels had briefly skirted the deep ditch on the side of the Tuscan country road - 11th April I ducked out of sabotaging Boat Race - Has anyone heard Cockney rhyming slang outside of Guy Ritchie films? - 5th April And on the third day, I told some more white lies - "Dad, what has the Easter Bunny got to do with Jesus?" It was one of those tricky questions that your kids ask, the answer to which depends on your mood - 4th April Instead of betting, I just tear up tenners - In point-to-point, form is almost totally irrelevant – that's what I thought anyway - 29th March Girls, listen up, I can teach you to throw - My real problem is netball. Actually, it's girls' sports in general. They're just so dull - 22nd March Hooked on piano ditties and pathetic phalluses - So, as usual, I come late to an internet trend. Somebody told me about this thing called Chatroulette and, desperate to waste time and avoid having to write anything, I gave it a go - 21st March How alcohol caused an Almaty upset - Weird World Of Sport: After a curious series of events, it seems I am now the Kazakh darts champion - 15th March I've seen the Sugababes and the world's first fireplace - Two days back home and then it was off to Central Asia again. This time my destination was Baku, the capital of Azerbaijan - 14th March Know your Kokpar from your Kyz-Kuu - Weird World of Sport: It's an exciting game to watch as the riders jostle to throw the goat across the goal-line - 8th March I toasted my telly and braced myself for an earthquake - I read with great sadness about the Desarmes family who, after the terrible quake there, left Haiti to go and stay with their eldest son in... Chile - 7th March Skis or board? Let the Wu-Tang decide - Four skiers line up in a small cabin while members of their Olympic team shout at them - 1st March I'll go anywhere, as long as it ends in '-stan' - I'm off to Kazakhstan on Tuesday. I've always wanted to start a column by saying that. Now I have - 28th February Polite Canadians tip Balding over edge - Weird World of Sport: I like Clare a lot but she has this habit of saying something mean right out of the blue - 22nd February Five amazing secrets of the Frisbee - Weird World of Sport: Iraqi bakers started the practice of throwing the boiling hot bread from person to person - 15th February If you think I'm odd, you should meet my cat - My cat, Dr Pepper is becoming a problem. When he first arrived in our family, it was against the wishes of my wife. She is not a big cat-lover and would contend that the only proper cats are the ones that live outside and chase mice and do other cat-like activities - 14th February Make England captains live like monks - I used to like the way Beckham called the manager "sir". It was a rare display of humility and respect - 8th February I know all the leaders, and Sarah Brown gets my vote - I'm getting quite excited by the prospect of the general election. As a political anorak/ junkie I can't wait for all the accompanying coverage and gossip - 7th February 2010 Free bet that proved costly for Andy - I was elated and gripped with Andy-fever – he was going to make me rich - 1st February Steve Jobs nicked my idea, so I nicked it back - So, Apple launches another sexy must-have product: the iPad. I don't bother finding out what Apple things do any more – they're shiny and exciting and I have to have them - 31st January Skating and sledging is going to dogs - Weird World of Sport: The sledge split and a shard of plastic cut through my jeans and pierced one of my buttocks - 25th January Pop on a kilt, and you will always blend in - Last stop on my Tintin tour of the country. We landed on the beach in Barra in a twin-prop plane. It's an exhilarating ride and apparently the only scheduled flight in the world that uses such a landing strip - 24th January The shocking truth about golf on Barra - Weird World of Sport: It's this kind of activity that keeps them ready to fight off another Viking invasion - 18th January Dressing as Tintin and airport security don't mix - 17th January Come to Belgium, home of the Cannibal - I have decided to help you out by giving you a brief run-down of the five most famous Belgian sportspeople - 11th January Blistering barnacles! My life as a Belgian cartoon - I've been in Belgium filming a documentary about Tintin. I'm a huge fan of the cartoon reporter who has adventures all around the globe without ever seeming to have to file any stories – some people have all the luck - 10th January It's pants, but I'm glued to Andre's hair - American wrestling is all bells and whistles, in huge stadiums full of scary-looking rednecks - 4th January I'm running as Minister for the Cotswolds - Hooray. Happy New Year. We've made it to the Teens. Sadly, as any parent will know, the teen years are probably the trickiest that anyone goes through, what with raging hormones, dodgy relationships and a dangerous excess of bacchanalian activity - 3rd January

Articles: 2009 Shoemaker on pole in F1 pantomime - Weird World of Sport: Hamilton, having married all of the Pussycat Dolls, allowed Jennifer Button to take the title - 28th December It's hectic at the Ministry of Pointless Annoyance - As both the year and the decade draw to an end and we leave the terribly named "Noughties" for the "Teen" years, one is drawn to reflection on things past - 27th December Ice ideas that are bound to snowball - Weird World of Sport - 21st December Two turtle doves, and a labrador on the quiz team - I always like the idea of a pub quiz. What could be better than getting together in a pub with like-minded people to exercise the old grey matter over a couple of hearty ales? Well, quite a lot, if the truth be told - 20th December Tiger's birdies make golf so rock'n'roll - Stories hidden by the glare of Pringle jumpers have now come out about golf groupies - 14th December Uncle Walt's role as Swindon's evil twin - I'm going to have to tread very carefully here – last time I wrote about Swindon I faced a wall of abuse and ended up on a live radio show having to face my critics - 13th December Watch out for Miss Joly's hockey stick - Weird World of Sport: Minutes later, my daughter got her revenge as the offending player collapsed to the floor - 7th December Amusingly, I now wear my own glasses - I've always had 20/20 vision. If I'm honest, I used to look at people wearing glasses with a touch of disdain. To me, it was a physical manifestation of a weak gene pool – a little hint that all was not well within their DNA - 6th December Pitch battles and last men standing - Weird World of Sport: If you see Aussie Rules fans in a bar it's a sign you're in the wrong part of town - 30th November My specialist subject is... sheer blind terror - Once again, it started with a telephone call a long, long time ago. Would I be interest- ed in doing Celebrity Mastermind? - 29th November My specialist subject is... sheer blind terror - Once again, it started with a telephone call a long, long time ago - 29th November Baying for blood as 'credit punch' hits - Weird World of Sport: I think a primeval bloodlust within me was hoping for an illegal bare-knuckle fight - 23rd November Follow the luvvies – Iraq will soon be hot - Back to Notting Hill to meet somebody for lunch. This is no longer the place I used to live in. Bits of Portobello Road look like they've been lifted straight off the set for Friends and never been updated - 22nd November You can bet everyone else is a winner - Weird World of Sport: If I arrive in a Rolls-Royce, there's always somebody landing in their helicopter - 16th November One snip, lots of smiles – and a big cry for help - It's only gone and happened again. I pop out for an evening in London and wham – the vet's snippers strike again. I meet Stacey for lunch at our beloved eaterie, Made By Bob in Cirencester. Lunch is friendly and happy – and then she hits me with the sucker punch - 15th November Where exactly is the fun in a fun-run? - Weird World of Sport: Every runner or jogger that I see has the same unhappy look etched onto their face - 9th November One five-course dinner and I'm running on empty - To Milan, for a curious challenge in which I attempt to drive a Volvo all the way back to Marlow on a single tank of diesel - 8th November Faster, higher, longer... total Olympics - Weird World of Sport: What would you rather see, amanthrowing a javelin 100 metres or half a mile? - 2nd November Gardening and yoga – the grave is surely looming - Why is it that when you get older you have to start doing all the stupid things that you used to laugh at when you were younger? - 1st November To be precise, this is legalised joyriding - Weird World of Sport: Spectators diced with death to get good photos of the blurry cars as they skidded past - 26th October The guns have fallen silent on the golf course - To Beirut golf course (le "Royal Beirut" as it's known to locals wags) for a leisurely round. I haven't played here since I was about 12 years old. This is where I swung my very first golf club. There was an Egyptian pro who gave me lessons - 25th October Olympic spirit is alive and...French? - Weird World of Sport - 19th October Lebanon is the only place where a Hummer makes sense - Last week I wrote about how I was looking forward to driving in Lebanon again. I even mentioned that there were a couple of places in the world that might be more dangerous to drive in - 18th October Olympic golf? That's not crazy enough - Crazy golf is an awesome spectator sport – usually played in front of two drunks - 12th October My idea of driving is handbrake turns in the desert - I'm off to Lebanon today. I'm going to be there for about a week and I've hired a car to get me around. I'm pretty excited about this, as I have to admit to finding driving in England very dull - 11th October Rio's fleshy pleasures perfect for TV - Weird World of Sport: Exhibition sports include Mojito drinking and urban paintball in the favellas - 5th October Not Google Waving, but drowning my cyber sorrows - God, technology is tiring. I mastered texting, video recorders (actually I never did), then email came along, then instant messaging. I signed up to Facebook, became a Twitterer... but it's no use. However hard you try, some thing newer comes and overtakes you - 4th October A formula to make F1 different gear - Weird World of Sport: We could have oil slicks, front-mounted guns, smokescreens... I'm getting excited just thinking about it - 28th September Conkers, my secret weapon in the war on spiders - Apparently it's going to be a bumper autumn for spiders. Oh dear! - 27th September My plan to give football a power boost - Weird World Of Sport: The now defunct officials could form an erotic dance troupe - 21st September Unloved by Libya, Syria and Weston-super-Mare - Life used to be so simple. Once, I knew that there were a couple of places in the UK where I was not welcome – Swindon, Weston-super-Mare, a Chinese restaurant in Burford. All these places got a little angry when I'd written something impolite about them - 20th September Football coming home for 'staycation' - Weird World of Sport: I expect to see Becks and a clearly recalcitrant Posh having a good time at Butlins in Minehead - 14th September Restaurants come and go, but the memories linger - Another trip to London, another landmark of my youth gone. Bertorelli La Toscana in Notting Hill Gate has closed and a nondescript Mexican restaurant has risen effortlessly on the ashes - 13th September All you need is mud, sweat and beers - Weird World Of Sport: Show me any crazy sporting event and you'll always find a couple of Kamikaze Kiwis having a go - 7th September Play is no fun in the white rage of the gaming world - A psychological crutch and a repository for morons' anger. Our columnist despairs at the nastier side of the internet - 6th September Rugby's cheats are still playing ketchup - Williams should have had a fake arm stump that makes it look like you've lost a hand - 31st August Such were the joys of my Notting Hill years - Sometimes it's good to look back and remember the good old days - 30th August Why home gym didn't fix it for me - Weird World of Sport - 24th August Roll cameras! Roll downhill! Roll in the money! - Oh the perils of writing about anything .... A couple of months ago I was asked whether I'd write a little piece for a book called Modern Delight. It's an update of a collection of short essays that J B Priestley published in 1949, called Delight - 23rd August We went through hoops for a game - Weird World of Sport: There are endless country croquet courses, or villages, as they are known - 18th August Britannia rules at Scrabble (that's my final word) - There are two Scrabble dictionaries, one for North Americans, one for Brits - 16th August Windmill power the next big craze - Tattooed participants look capable of doing you some serious damage with a putter - 10th August A sweet corner of Canada that is forever Scotland - It was an Offshore Bruce last night. This meant that the wind was blowing away from Bruce Beach out on to Lake Huron - 9th August How cricket can conquer the world - Weird World of Sport: 'Here’s the batterman and this guy is going to have to produce some super-sixes' - 3rd August Just updating the dog's CV, then it's Vancouver for me - It's a most peculiar thing – my RV tour of the Canadian Rockies is over and I'm sitting in a wonderful room at the Hotel Vancouver, the best address in town but... I sort of miss my RV - 2nd August Let's bring snowballing in from cold - Weird World of Sport: It could be like javelin but ... with snowballs - 27th July The unfathomable beauty of the Canadian Rockies - Nine days into my family RV trip across the Canadian Rockies and I'm starting to find that it's very similar to my recent trip to North Korea. First, you find yourself in an extraordinary situation that no normal person would actively choose to be in - 26th July Why cows fear me down Mexico way - Weird World of Sport: The crowd went nuts, why wouldn't they? They were about to see a gringo get killed - 20th July Crawling through Canada in a snail on wheels - I am writing this in an RV park somewhere in the middle of the Canadian Rockies - 19th July Why girls will always throw the game - Weird World of Sport: Players have to hit one-handed, like tiny policewomen trying to club a flying hippie - 13th July Tap my phone and you'll be mighty disappointed - I live in terror of the full list of "celebrities" whose phones the News of the World wanted to tap being made public. What if I'm on it? - 12th July Lobsters, Serena and a glum Sir Cliff - Serena is built like a stout tree and stomps around the court screaming at herself - 6th July This cow row is causing a rift in my marriage - Stacey picks up the kids and sprints for the gate, while I dissolve into fits of giggles - 5th July Anyone for Greco-Roman wrestling? - Weird World of Sport: I started to worry I'd see my name in the papers as a waste of the licence fee - 29th June Entering China was like a heady burst of freedom - It's a weird state of affairs when you find entering China to be some heady, exhilarating burst of freedom. Yet, last week, as I left North Korea and crossed into China by train, I felt just that. You become institutionalised remarkably quickly in a totalitarian state: what you find peculiar on the first day soon becomes the norm. I imagine it's just the way we are programmed to survive - 28th June Where was I for the lesson on how to be a man? - I wish I could become obsessed with my lawn. I just like lying down on it - 21st June Tee for two but no more Mr Nice Guy - Weird World of Sport: The first problem was the London Club is not actually in London - 15th June Time to shoot from the hip – or at it - Weird World of Sport: Maybe this is the solution to things that I find objectionable? An AK47 - 8th June I'm going to spend more time with my family, hem hem - It is with sadness that I have to announce to you, my loyal readers, that I shall not be standing again as an MP at the next election. I know this will come as a shock to a lot of you. Some of you might not even know that I have been an MP for the past 15 years - 7th June Unhappy expat? Should have gone to Iceland - I'm in the South of France for a week. One of the ways to get under the skin of wherever you are is to read the local newspapers. I bought myself a Nice-Matin but also found a curious little magazine called the Riviera Reporter - 31st May Aim javelins at morris men for 2012 - Weird World of Sport: Morris dancing is not exactly a sport, but with a little help I think this could be a winner - 25th May I will start the book. First thing tomorrow morning - I read somewhere that exercise sharpens the mind so off we go, Huxley, Oscar and I - 24th May Fight on the beaches? Gym'll fix it - I just remembered what happened when I was rude about Greco-Roman Wrestling at the Beijing Olympics - 18th May I could win a medal for competitive parenting - I'm back home with a bang. "Are you quite finished flitting around the world for a bit?" enquires Stacey with some menace. I nod to indicate that I'm back on family duty for three weeks or so - 17th May Forget Chelsea, Mac is abuse king - Weird World of Sport: rom now on, games should be played with no officials present. It would be hilarious - 11th May Chernobyl – where better to slake a tourist's thirst? - Spring is in the air down in the beautiful Cotswolds. Bluebells carpet the woods while lambs are agambolling in the lush fields. Sadly I know this only from telephone calls home as I'm on a weekend break in Chernobyl - 10th May How to save the Highland Games - Weird World Of Sport: What does the average person know of the Games? Caber tossing, men in kilts dancing on swords - 4th May Chilling eyes in the land of the killing fields - I looked into the eyes of evil twice last week. I was having a drink at the Foreign Correspondents' Club in Siem Reap when a man sidled up to me and inquired as to whether I was a journalist? I said yes. He then asked me whether I wanted to meet a man who was selling Pol Pot's shoes Cambodia in grip of grim games - Weird World of Sport: Cock-fighting is weird. Why have cocks been chosen as opposed to ducks or swans? - 27th April I'm going to eat like an elephant for a whole year - It might be my age or it just might be that I've succumbed to the same nonsense that I've ribbed all my Sloane hippy friends about, but it seems that I've "seen the light". I've had a "spiritual" moment out here in Indochina - 26th April Roll up for the 'Tour d'elephants' - I would pay quite a lot to see Orlando Bloom heading for a cactus on a runaway elephant - 20th April At war in Thailand, but keeping my Buddha dry - I'm travelling round the world's dodgier spots for this book I'm writing – The Dark Tourist - 19th April Ah, the beauty of hating football - Weird World of Sport - 13th April Is there a doctor in the house? Try the airing cupboard - We are about to have a new arrival in the Joly household. We made the mistake of popping round to a house that had a new litter of kittens - 12th April Shake, racquet and roll with Elvis - Weird World of Sport - 6th April Dateline, Washington. Wake up and smell the power - What a difference a week makes ... from pootling around grim northern towns, this week I'm driving from Dallas to New York - 5th April Ban darts to make Britain safe - Weird World of Sport: You have got huge drunken Cockneys wandering around throwing deadly pointed weapons - 30th March I'm drowning in a sea of small-screen sewage - Unlike Alan Yentob I don't have the luxury of not being at the filming - 29th March I'm prepared to take the flak and dodge the bunkers for my country - Weird World of Sport: They must have jumped for joy when the team was pinned up and they weren't on it - 23rd March The snood is the enemy of incisive journalism - I'm feeling a little bit like a minor member of the Royal Family at the moment. I'm traipsing around the country visiting places that still manufacture things, for this show I'm filming called Made In Britain - 22nd March Climb Kilimanjaro? Pah! I went up a volcano and skied down it - Weird World of Sport: Nobody had ever attempted to ski down it and my life started to flash before me - 16th March A fortnight in Chernobyl is my idea of a holiday - I've been looking back at my life, this past week. I'm not in therapy or anything, although hints to this effect are constantly being sprinkled all about me by the people who know me best - 15th March Best mode of transport for a pub crawl? Horse and cart, of course - Weird World of Sport: My road rallies tend to be of the unofficial type where somebody stares at me in a funny way at a red light - 9th March I'm dancing for charity, even though I was a Goth - It's been the very weirdest of weeks – for starters I've been driving round a weather-battered Britain in a cream Morgan sports car. It's for this show I'm filming called Made in Britain - 8th March Trouble with faking Iron Man is... - Weird World of Sport: It's about machismo and bragging rights – something I totallyunderstand - 2nd March British only? Bang goes the wife, the dog, and the car - I really should pay more attention to the contracts that I sign. I was offered an interesting programme recently that I said yes to without really thinking about it - 1st March Sorry, dad, this bearded wonder is virtually hooked on fishing now - With all this new gear, surely it's time that we found the Loch Ness Monster - 23rd February Love your neighbour, but not when they dob you in - I have as little time for the Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith, as for the rest of this crumbling Labour government – actually maybe even a little less.I did, however, feel a little sorry for her last week - 22nd February Obama's got the right idea – let's tax people who play tennis with Cliff - Weird World of Sport: I’d tax anyone talking too loudly in the car park picnic area at Twickenham - 16th February California, where the just-squeezed juice comes in cartons - Breakfast in California is a big deal. It's weird, since it's actually just something that Americans do to fill time until lunch - 15th February White lines and black squares: tune in to the 'it's all too beautiful' game - Weird World of Sport: Wilkinson's grown his hair long and started waffling on about alternative universes - 9th February Lace-up, buckle, killer heels... just so long as they fly - Shoe-throwing is the new black. Everybody is at it. I fully expect somebody to put in an application for it to become an Olympic exhibition sport in 2012 - 8th February Hire Pete Doherty for Super Bowl show but it may turn into shambles - Doherty warbling on about "Albion" would be enough to start a riot in the crowd - 2nd February I'm living it up – and turning into Taki of 'The Spectator' - I'm in the South of France for a couple of days to play golf with my dad. He is 84 years old, but still beats me with ease. We play at the Old Course in Mandelieu, just up the coast from Cannes - 1st February I take it back about Eddie the Eagle – winter sports require real balls - Weird World of Sport: The G-force is so great you feel the air forced out of your lungs. Youcan't breathe in - 26th January Change has come – the loos at the Groucho are empty - I knew it was a momentous event – the Groucho Club loos were deserted. A room packed with the great and the not so good of Soho media sat staring at the television watching the swearing-in of the most powerful person in the world - 25th January Take a Cockney knees-up over boredom on the baize any day - Weird World of Sport: Imagine the crowd at the Crucible, shouting and putting players off... it would be amazing - 19th January Why my McEnroe moment called for new balls - Looking back, I'm pretty sure that John McEnroe wasn't entirely comfortable with my conversation. I'd always wanted to meet him – he's one of my childhood heroes - 18th January The first rule of any half-decent fight club would be to ban judo - The weird world of sport - 12th January My life flashed before me... - ... loads of really dull stuff - 11th January Spouse schlepping, glacial golf or hubcap hurlin' – you choose - Weird World of Sport: The slogan of the Redneck Games is 'everyone and their butt crack is welcome - 5th January Huxley's brave new world of robotic surveillance - A dog is for life not just for Christmas – that's how the saying goes, isn't it? We had a very doggy Christmas. The kids pestered us to get them a FurReal Friend. This is a life-sized dog that responds to the kids' commands - 4th January

Articles: 2008 I clean up at sport of kings but disaster strikes in 'Secret Valley' - Weird World Of Sport: I'd tested the plastic nags and found that one grey was very fast and steady on its feet - 29th December 2008 It was trolleys at dawn and pterodactyls at dusk - Thank God it's all over for another year. I do enjoy Christmas, it's just that the lead-up to the event is so stressful - 28th December 2008 Catching a tube offers a route across the piste's grand divide - Weird World of Sport: Skiers, in the Nancy Mitford parlance, are U and snowboarders are most definitely non-U - 22nd December 2008 Ah, the dreaming towers of Didcot power station - 21st December 2008 Dragging the countryside for strong scent of a transvestite - Weird World of Sport: The transvestite runs as fast as his nine-inch heels can carry him up river and down dale - 15th December 2008 Away in a manger, the bear boiled his head... - It's nativity play time again- 14th December 2008 Personality? Bring on the rats, dullards and disappointments - Weird World of Sport: It was exciting and I screamed until hoarse, then nearly fell asleep as she talked about it - 8th December 2008 We both hate riff-raff. Yet Highgrove kicked me out - I don't think I could ever run a restaurant. It's not that I haven't thought of it. I even know exactly what it would look like – a mish-mash of old wooden furniture, roaring log fires, cosy red walls and a tip-top wine cellar - 7th December 2008 How a bog-standard lilo might turn me into a world champion - With so many 'sports' out there, I think it might be possible for me to fulfil my dream - 1st December 2008 I'm sick of mingling with the rich and famous - 30th November 2008 I've cracked the code for picking winners - Weird World of Sport: Maybe the donning of the correct togs was more important than I originally thought - 24th November 2008 Never ask permission... - ... The answer's always: 'No' - 23rd November 2008 Bashed by Boycott and tackled by Tufnell - Weird World of Sport: 'I am strangely proud that I warranted my own Wimbledonsecurity briefing' - 17th November 2008 'If Grandpa had died in the war, would I still exist?' - 16th November 2008 Terrorists outgunned by the Cotswolds set - Weird World of Sport: Whenever you're on a train, you're probably sitting yards from anarsenal of shotguns - 10th November 2008 Flash, bang, wallop... that's it for another year - Thank God bonfire night is over for another year. I know I sound like a bit of a party pooper, but I really do feel that, as a rule, once you've seen one fireworks display you've seen them all - 9th November 2008 Jackets off for a serious spot of wiff-waff - Weird World of Sport: We play about twice a year on very sunny days when we want to pretend we're on holiday in France - 3rd November 2008 If the licence-payers can call the shots, what hope for me? - 2nd November 2008 Grounded in the land of the 'Big Ski Jump' - Weird World of Sport: I don't really count cross-country skiing as a sport. It's just away of getting about - 27th October 2008 I'll selflessly go to Suriname. For my daughter's sake... - 26th October 2008 'Clash of sticks' leaves me feeling left out - There are certain sports that seem to only really exist at school. You spend valuable portions of your formative years learning the skills and traditions of a particular discipline only to find that it doesn't really exist anywhere in your adult life. I'm thinking in particular of hockey - 20th October 2008 Warm thoughts of home from icy Death Valley - 19th October 2008 Mind-numbing basketball leaves me cold - I prayed that I'd be selected. I'd kiss one of the lawyers and we'd get out of here - 13th October 2008 The kindness of a stranger shows all's not lost in LA - I landed in Los Angeles very unrested. The whole point of business/upper class is that you can be comfortable, pampered and arrive at your destination fresh and ready for action - 12th October 2008 The Jag's just too common for Polo - Weird World of Sport: Jordan doesn't know what she's missing - 6th October 2008 Birthday party hell is other children's parents - My birthdays no longer tend to herald exciting parties and the greedy shredding of wrapping paper - 5th October 2008 Jazz: love the lifestyle, can't stand the music - 28th September 2008 I'm crazy about Palin, and she's everything I hate - 21st September 2008 The train can take my strain, but only if it's first class - 14th September 2008 One bottle of Voss and you want to take holy orders - 7th September 2008 Yes, I was doing 35mph, but at least I wasn't texting in the fog - 31st August 2008 So I'm at this party. And this guy took my picture - Britain's post-Games bash was full of the rich and famous. And photo-ops - The Independent, Tuesday 26th August 2008 Beautiful Blanka out of reach in the village of sin - As the Games draw to a close, my thoughts turn to sex, a stunning Croatian and the art of aiming high - The Independent, Monday 25th August 2008 I sweated, I wept – and I wasn't even competing - 25th August 2008 Orange ghosts, 'volunteer' frogmen and a sartorial tussle out on the water - I thought it would be white water, but the kayaking down at Shunyi lake proved intriguing enough anyway - The Independent, Friday 22nd August 2008 Americans unable to win hearts and minds in battle of hands and feet - A Venezuelan woman beat an American up in Beijing yesterday – don't worry, it was only tae kwon do - The Independent, Thursday 21st August 2008 I have tried but am just out of sync with this splashing about underwater - What this sport really needs are transparent costumes in dubious moral taste - The Indeprendent, Wednesday 20th August 2008 Don't cheer Team BooSA: they need to learn the art of diplomacy - Queue-jumpers at Great Wall's mile-long slide pretending to be part of the US 'Redeem' team? – I'm not having it - The Independent, Monday 18th August 2008 Hang on to your joysticks for Olympics with video games - The Independent, Saturday 16th August 2008 Pupils of secret ping-pong academies in the mystic hills leave you in a trance - On a day when the Fuwa are not quite synchronised the table tennis players produce a hypnotic standard of play - The Independent, Friday 15th August 2008 Dancing mascots, goons and tumblers: welcome to the Beijing circus, Mr Bush - George Bush Snr was at the gymnastics, but the US lost out to a Chinese team powered by oil - The Independent, Wednesday 13th August 2008 Time to get off the fence: sabres and epées possess real Olympian appeal - The Independent, Monday 11th August 2008 They tell me it's Beijing, but it could be Des Moines - 10th August 2008 'How are his wife and children?' Funny, that didn't come up - 3rd August 2008 Daddy's little jumper – it seems to run in the family - 27th July 2008 A celebrity flip-flop: now my collection is complete - 20th July 2008 I now like golf and fishing. There's only gardening left - 13th July 2008 Angry folk of Weston are as nothing next to killer cows - I suffer from very severe aesthetic depression - 6th July 2008 Tears before bedtime in Weston-not-so-super-Mare to shoot a golf DVD - 29th June 2008 Fated not to be wild: village life in modern Britain - 22nd June 2008 Skiing down a volcano has a flaw. There's no snow - 15th June 2008 Pass me the iguana virility soup – I'm due on set - 8th June 2008 I'm making Hay while it rains. My wife, at home, is not happy - 1st June 2008 Hay, a middle-class Valhalla, complete with saucy vicar - 25th May 2008 Give parents their happy hour on the bouncy castle - 18th May 2008 School quiz night? I'd rather climb a volcano - 11th May 2008 I took no prisoners when I fought the parking Nazis - 4th May 2008 I've got a great idea for a play... No actors - 27th April 2008 It's 50p a swear word... and the pot stands at £75 - 20th April 2008 If you think I'm childish, you should see my daughter - 13th April 2008 Don't be fooled: Huxley is planning his great escape - 6th April 2008 It couldn't be man flu, I wanted to see a doctor - 30th March 2008 Hi diddly dee, a miner's life for me. And a sandwich - 16th March 2008 Old rockers never die, they just unravel on reality TV - 9th March 2008 My favourite city? Somewhere with fried cheese and chips - 2nd March 2008 Forget Porsche envy, just give me a tank and I'll total City Hall - 24th February 2008 You can't beat a beach holiday for jealousy and vice - 17th February 2008 Birthdays, Valentine's... I don't get what women want - 10th February 2008 Beadle? Not my cup of tea, but I'm sorry he's no longer about - 3rd February 2008 Moonlit wolves, the muezzin... it's my kind of place - 27th January 2008 Tie no yellow ribbons for me, and, please, no Terry Waite - 20th January 2008 Champers, bacon, baggage, staff... That's the way to travel - 13th January 2008 Oprah backs Obama, so what about Dido for Dave? - 6th January 2008

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