Articles:
- I didn’t get a PhD and CBE playing by the rules, Mr Gove - So, GCSE examinations are to be made more difficult - 16th June 2013
- The verge vigilantes stopping the annual roadside beheadings - The countryside is a delight at this time of year - 9th June 2013
- Weapons down, Mr Hague – you can’t interfere in a divorce - The EU is often criticised for its stance on the shape of bananas - 2nd June 2013
- Bums on saddles, folks – let’s rout the pushbike Bolsheviks - If you selected a random group of British people and asked them to name everything that’s wrong or odd about Germany, the answers would be many and varied - 26th May 2013
- When the grim reaper calls, stub out your fag on a lettuce and grin - When I heard that Angelina Jolie’s breasts had been removed, my first thought was, “Ooh, can I have them?" - 19th May 2013
- Enough cringing, Auntie; stand up and face the rottweilers - After a BBC journalist had a suspected heart attack at his desk, worried colleagues immediately called 999. But when the ambulance men arrived, it’s claimed they were prevented from attending to the patient because the news was on air and the newsroom in which the stricken man worked was in the back of shot - 12th May 2013
- Come hug the stars of my EU zoo — bickering Belgians - When someone is designing a zoo, they do not put the cobras in the same cage as the mongeeses - 5th May 2013
- This is no coat hanger; this is my £25,000 gullible fool grabber - So you’re online, chatting with a pretty girl from Lithuania. She seems keen on getting together... - 28th April 2013
- Life in an awful prison is a better, tougher punishment than death - Last May, a 55-year-old British grandmother called Lindsay Sandiford arrived in Bali with 10lb of cocaine in her suitcase - 21st April 2013
- Don’t forget the body armour for that relaxing beach holiday - At the extreme sports games in Colorado earlier this year, a young chap called Caleb Moore attempted to do a backflip on his snowmobile - 14th April 2013
- Pah to apostrophes! And dont do me dinner, I can eat my sons - When a local council in Devon announced that it would no longer be using apostrophes in its street signs, middle England painted its face blue and erupted in a rousing, teeth-gnashing chorus of, “They can take our savings. They can take our land. They can take our children. But they cannot take our apostrophes.” - 24th March 2013
- It’s a simple choice, caller: your money or your daughter - If you were God and you were all- powerful, you wouldn’t select Bethlehem as a suitable birthplace - 17th March 2013
- Scram, polar bears – we need the North Pole for world peace - We shouldn’t be all that surprised that local authorities make a lot of silly decisions - 10th March 2013
- Work on the accent, Brum, and Tom Cruise will be in for a balti - If I may be permitted to liken Britain to the human body, then Scotland is the brain... - 24th February
- Hello, sailor. Show me what Britain is really made of - As we know, everything run by the dull, penny-pinching hand of government is a bit rubbish - 17th February 2013
- Oh, waiter, can I pay with this microchipped finger? - We have been informed by the government that we have three years to microchip our dogs - 10th February 2013
- Your next HS2 service is the 3.15 to Victorian England - Your next HS2 service is the 3.15 to Victorian England] - As I see it, there are two clearly defined camps in the debate about the proposed high-speed rail link - 3rd February 2013
- Forget the cat and the pension, wrinklies, a gap year beckons - Round about now your teenage child will be queuing at the check-in desk for an airline you had never heard of, and flying off to a part of the world you have never visited, to spend a few months doing stuff you don’t understand. It’s called a gap year - 27th January 2013
- Dim staff and no stock: the key to hanging on in the high street - Three more teeth have been smashed out of the high street this month - 20th January 2013
- Stand by, Earth, to boldly look where there’s no point looking - As we speak, British boffins are busy building a remotely operated telescope high in Chile’s Atacama Desert - 13th January 2013
- Help, I’ve lost track of world affairs in Bradley’s barnet - When a televisual quiz show finds its feet and becomes popular, its producers get it into their heads that the audience would be much happier if the ordinary contestants with their terrible shoes and their ghastly jumpers were replaced by “celebrities” - 23rd December 2012
- Of all the towns in all the world, Cold, Wet and Closed is best - Soon the nation’s experts will settle down to decide what’s been the best of everything in 2012 - 16th December 2012
- Write in now, eel fanciers, and claim your million quid - It’s very rare that we ever catch a glimpse of a newspaper editor - 9th December 2012
- Coming soon, I’m a Terrorist ... Make Me Lick Nadine’s Toes - Every so often someone with too much time on their hands works out how much of our lives we spend... - 2nd December 2012
- Yes, siree — count me in for genocide and conservatory-building - Twenty years ago I would land at Heathrow after every trip to America and kiss the tarmac, thanking every god I could think of that I was back in the land of the free - 25th November 2012
- Chew on a Big Mac with fibs before you answer a survey - I think it was the much-missed Keith Waterhouse who invented the “I have never” game - 11th November 2012
- This lanky git will call you what he wants, ref – you blind idiot - For the sake of English football Manchester United always need to win. Which is probably why, in last weekend’s top-of-the-table clash, the referee set about sending the entire Chelsea team off for wearing blue clothes - 4th November 2012
- So, the Scouts came to Earth in a reptilian space plane, right? - Many state-educated people have it in their heads that life for those in Britain’s public schools is a deeply weird potpourri of silly uniforms, brutal sport and endless lessons about tax avoidance and the benefits of offshore slavery. In Latin - 27th October 2012
- Take another step, Simba, and you’ll feel my foldaway spoon - When I was growing up I used to go on a great many bicycle rides and they were great fun - 21st October 2012
- If foreigners weren’t watching, we’d be lynching bell-ringers - While on a tour of a factory in South America recently, David Cameron appeased the nation’s meat-eaters by saying that at some point in the next parliament there might possibly be a referendum on whether Britain stayed in the European Union - 7th October 2012
- Call me Comrade Clarkson, liberator of the jobsworths - In the past couple of weeks everyone in the country, except me, seems to have decided that Andrew Mitchell, the government chief whip, is a potty-mouthed snob who goes through life gorging on swan, goosing his housekeeper and shooting poor people for sport - 30th September 2012
- If breasts are no big deal, girls, don’t get them reupholstered - In a list of stuff that matters most to a man, breasts appear at No 4, between oxygen and food - 23rd September 2012
- Oh, my head hurts – I’ve a bad case of hangover envy - As you probably heard, the government announced recently that during the month of what it’s calling “Stoptober”, it will run a nationwide campaign designed to make every smoker in the land stub out their last cigarette and quit - 16th September 2012
- P-p-please open up, Arkwright, I need some t-t-t-trousers - We return this morning to a subject I’ve talked about before. It’s a subject close to every man’s heart: the sheer, unadulterated, trudging misery of shopping for clothes - 9th September 2012
- Arise, Sir Jeremy – defier of busybody croupiers and barmen - There were calls last week for the Cabinet Office to hand over the honours system to an independent body - 2nd September 2012
- Listen, Fritz, we’ll do the efficiency now – you write the gags - Ben Elton is working on a new television sitcom about a health and safety department - 5th August 2012
- Stop, or I’ll shoot ... about 100 yards off to your right - Many people in the civilised world were a bit surprised when they heard that the good Christian folk of Denver, Colorado, had... - 29th July
- We’re all running as Team GB, the grim bellyachers - Soon the waiting will be over, and we shall be able to find out whether a Kenyan man we’ve never heard of can jump further into a sandpit than an American man we’ve also never heard of - 22nd July 2012
- Cheer up, Mewling Murray, you’ve made it into Boohoo’s Who - Last weekend all the tabloid newspapers were full of huge headlines wishing Andy Murray well - 15th July 2012
- And your premium bond prize is ... a seat in the Lords - If you were put in charge of a brand new country and told to organise a whole new system of government, you probably wouldn’t come ... - 1st July 2012
- Blow me up, Scotty, before I land on your Manx home - An Isle of Man-based company has stunned the nerd world by announcing that within three years it will be able to offer tourists a trip ... - 24th June 2012
- They’ve read Milton, Mr Gove, now get ’em to rewire a plug - It has been a tense week. With my elder daughter sitting her A-levels, the boy facing his GSCEs and the youngest doing common entrance - 17th June 2012
- Kaboom! It’s my turn to play fantasy climate change - Ray Bradbury died last week. So now the author of Fahrenheit 451 and The Martian Chronicles is up there in the firmament with all the ... - 10th June 2012
- Go on, troll me – but leave your name and address - Britain’s gold-medal-winning swimmer Rebecca Adlington has announced that during the Olympics she will not be looking at ... - 3rd June 2012
- Street lights and binmen? Luxuries we just can’t afford - How do we solve the global economic crisis? Easy — recalibrate us westerners, we’ve grown far too expectant and dependent - 2nd October 2011
- Down, boy! Fido’s fallen in love with the vacuum cleaner - There are many reasons why people have pets, but a recent survey of owners has found something that I find alarming - 25th September 2011
- Own up, we all had a vile streak long before going online - Well before you had a domain and an email address, you would sit in the safety of your car, muttering abuse at other drivers - 18th September 2011
- My daughter and I stepped over the body and into a brothel - Trouble in Africa is great for celebrities — it provides them with a PR opportunity and a nice spot of late-summer sunshine - 11th September 2011
- Oh, Berbatovs – I’ve got to learn footballspeak - Football now sits in humankind’s conversation pit like a gigantic elephant, but at least that means Britain gets to sit in the spotlight every weekend - 4th September 2011
- French porn and a little software can save our schools - Instead of learning which countries are next to Libya, geography is about why snails are more important than bypasses - 28th August 2011
- That’s it – one fluffed backhand and I’m broken as a father - There is no shame in coming second, it’s far less strenous for a start. However, if you're competing against your kids, it’s war - 14th August 2011
- That’s it – one fluffed backhand and I’m broken as a father - There is no shame in coming second, it’s far less strenous for a start. However, if you're competing against your kids, it’s war - 7th August 2011
- Get on your roof, everyone, and give Biggles an eyeful - All the effort that goes into making a town look nice is done at street level. From the air England is a dreary and looks far too similar - 31st July 2011
- Okay, tontine tango birdie, let’s baffle ’em with insider talk - There may be good reasons for failing to be understood. But today people seem to mangle language just to make themselves sound more important - 24th July 2011
- Okay, I’ll come clean on Rebekah and the Chipping Norton plot - I’ve kept quiet for six months but the time is right to tell all. What Rebekah and Cameron talked about most of all is sausage rolls - 17th July 2011
- Dear BBC, why d’ya think Dick Whittington gave Salford a miss? - If we moved Top Gear to Salford, every year we’d end up making a Christmas special from the Dog and Duck or the nearest Arndale centre - 10th July 2011
- Look what that little DVD pirate is really doing - If we keep believing that theft is only theft if the item is tangible and expensive, Bruce Willis will be forced to hang up his vest - 3rd July 2011
- Houston, our spaceships are ugly - If you’re going to call something a space freighter, make it look like the Nostromo; make it look impressive - 26th June 2011
- Advice for men - don’t try to keep your hair on - I have a hair-loss problem, and I know that I could have it fixed. But I’d still look like a telegraph pole that had eaten a space hopper - 12th June 2011
- I'm going to cure dumb Britain - If our children feel they must be gormless to fit in, we shall soon be a dark backwater full of fat people celebrating their idiocy - 5th June 2011
- A quake’s nothing until it's an iDisaster - There seems to be a never-ending stream of natural disasters threatening planet earth. What's going on? Is it down to the iPhone? - 29th May 2011
- Garçon! A hike in my flat’s value, please - To make your house shoot up in value while everyone else's plummets. Simply open a really good restaurant at the end of the road - 22nd May 2011
- Cancel the breast op and buy an iron lung - There’s no space for philanthropy in a world where we think wanton excess is perfectly acceptable if we buy a signed rugby ball at a charity auction - 1st May 2011
- Big smile — and check me down below for ticks - This unwillingness to be happy for others is now so acute that we don’t even seem to be able to be happy for ourselves - 24th April 2011
- This kingdom needs a dose of Norse sense - We’re a fairly similar people to the Norwegians. So why is Britain such a mess when Norway is the living embodiment of civilisation? - 3rd April 2011
- Please don’t be angry, I’ve used my bed - The hotel guest these days is nothing more than a robber and a cheat. A person who has checked in to drink the gin - 27th March 2011
- Proud to sponsor this police shootout - Did you know the constabulary was a 'brand'? Me neither. And there are now proposals to sponsor the police. This isn’t a joke - 27th February 2011
- The small society built on jam and dung - It’s not a big society. It’s better than that. It’s a small society, and I urge you all to give it a bash where you live - 20th February 2011
- Dear Uncle, Thank you for the hideous gift ... - A thank-you letter needs to be handwritten — but it is now not only emotionally draining to write but exhausting as well - 13th February 2011
- We are gathered here today ... in our Levi’s - Only 1 in 10 office workers now wears a suit to work. This is good news, because there is nothing quite so stupid as specialised clothing - 6th February 2011
- Smile, you Dordogne slaves, freedom is nigh - Moving country is never a good idea. Not because you don’t know the word for 'pliers', but because home is where your friends are - 30th January 2011
- Down boy — it’s my turn to bite the useless posties - Why do we still bother with the Royal Mail? The only good news you ever receive is notification that you’ve won £1m on the Nigerian lottery - 23rd January 2011
- Oldies will have fun in Ammonia Lodge - Britain's ageing population problem can be solved if they sell their houses and buy a country pile. It can be called Ammonia Lodge - 16th January 2011
- Kindly remove your car from my bottom, doctor - Going through various cancer tests was a deeply traumatic experience for Clarkson, but the end result was a blessed relief - 9th January 2011
- I haven’t got all day to mess with gadgets - Many of the gadgets that are supposed to make our lives easier end up wasting an enormous amount of time. Except Sky + of course - 2nd January 2011
- Save the high street with a ban on Prada - If councils want their town centres to survive, people have to be able to park their cars and buy coffee from somewhere that isn't Starbucks - 26th December 2010
- Stop all the clocks for British No Time - 'I propose for 11 months of the year we have British Work Time, when we do our jobs and then, every August, we have British No Time' - 19th December 2010
- Pour me a Drambuie — I want the 70s back - Of course society must move forwards, but we also must take with us things from the past that worked. We can start with Quavers - 12th December 2010
- WikiLeaks — I dare you to face Roger Sensible - The world simply cannot function without secrets. And that’s why I’m so disappointed by all of this WikiLeaks nonsense - 5th December 2010
- No one needs to know their adze from their elbow - James May says children should be taught basic woodwork skills at school. I disagree — we are no longer living in 1953 - 8th November 2010
- Turkey in the EU? Over my dead dog’s body - A country must have certain standards before it can become an EU member, and my No 1 line in the sand is: dead dogs at the side of the road - 31st October 2010
- Just speak English, Johnny Europe - Here's a big cut that won’t affect anyone — we must tell people who work for the EU to stop pretending they can’t speak English - 10th October 2010
- This tired old bird deserves another chance - When the Vulcan flew over my house nobody could understand why I was running about in the garden, pointing and grabbing my privates - 3rd October 2010
- But I’ve killed Baz already, Mr Safety Instructor - Sadly David Cameron's announcement that he would drive a bulldozer through pointless health and safety rules came a little too late - 26th September 2010
- One dose of this and you could turn into a werewolf - We know the drugs we can buy are safe. Why, then, do we have these stupid leaflets saying we may suffer from sudden death? - 19th September 2010
- Beware — Arabella won’t stop at hay rustling - 'The notion that more than half my farm is a government-subsidised sanctuary for linnets while the world goes hungry is just stupid' - 11th September 2010
- I’ve sprayed wasps with glue, now what? - 'I jacked everything in. I retired. Planting a tree kept me busy. It took 15 minutes to find the gardener and six to explain what I wanted' - 15th August 2010
- Concussion is what holidays are all about - 'I watched my kids being attached to a parasail by a man who had to put down his spliff so he could tie the knots’ - 8th August 2010
- England's fate is in your hands, Ambassador - 'I put it to you that all meetings are a waste of time and that you would achieve more if you simply sat on your hands and whistled Dixie' - 1st August 2010
- A few song lyrics could have done for Piers - 'I put it to you that all meetings are a waste of time and that you would achieve more if you simply sat on your hands and whistled Dixie' - 25th July 2010
- Don't misread the whiff of Cameron’s armpits - Even the greatest politicians and speechmakers can have their work fatally undermined by the faintest hint of an unpleasant body odour - 18th July 2010
- Burial? Cremation? Boil-in-the-bag? - I’m sorry but where’s the respect in turning grandad into a paste and flushing him down the lavatory - 11th July 2010
- Move along, officer, it’s just a spot of dogging - With cuts over the police force looming, one way of saving money would be to apply an alien concept to crime prevention, common sense - 4th July 2010
- No prison for you – just lick my cesspit clean - Rather than spending lots of money sending criminals to prison, why not get them to do a few nasty odd jobs around the house instead? - 27th June 2010
- Give to my new charity – Britain’s Got Trouble - People are prepared to move mountains. And that’s where my scheme comes in, because we are all passionate about the state of our nation - 20th June
- Simple surgery to solve the deficit – cut off Scotland - We could take this further. Why not draw the boundary between England and Scotland at York? - 13th June 2010
- Please, carry on filming - I'm only burning to death - I feel fairly sure that if I were to catch fire, no one would try to beat out the flames or find an extinguisher. They’d simply record the event on their phones - 6th June 2010
- There’s no money left ... sheep are the robbers’ new bullion - Alarming news from the north. Last week someone broke into a field on the outskirts of Knutsford in Cheshire and stole a hundred mummy and baby sheeps - 30th May 2010
- Madam Minister, your briefs are full of flirty, dirty talk - There is nothing that fills my heart with such dread as an all-male gathering - 23rd May 2010
- Roll up, roll up to look at my pebbles – just £5 a ticket - The capacity British holidaymakers have for finding uninteresting things so interesting that they will pay money to look at them beggars belief - 16th May 2010
- Rise up, the traffic storm troopers won’t let me buy a bra - Now that the general election is over, we can turn our attention to one of the most important issues in our lives today: my local cobbler has closed down - 9th May 2010
- I can't operate a thing in my flat - You could use the cooker’s controls to fly a US spy drone. But to make a shepherd’s pie? Not in a million years - 2nd May 2010
- Three minutes and these guys will have Camilla pole-dancing - 25th April 2010
- You do the ragoût, mon capitaine; I’ll do the nuking - If there were to be another war, and I mean a real one against an army with boots rather than flip-flops, I would volunteer to serve in the submarine fleet - 28th March 2010
- Captain to striking cabin crew: boy, are you in for a shock - I am completely baffled by the British Airways strike. People seem to have forgotten about the poor souls whose Easter holiday plans have been ruined and seem hellbent on using the whole affair to discredit Gordon Brown - 21st March 2010
- The office sure looks safe with Wheezy and Dozy on the door - Nobody wants to become physical with someone who’s charming and pleasant. It’d be the same as punching Jilly Cooper - 14th March 2010
- A daft way to stop your spaniel eating the milkman - To ensure someone called Mick doesn’t shove his pit bull into a playground, I will now have to computerise my labradoodle - 7th March 2010
- Wanna come lap-dancing, Mr Mandela? - Why would the greatest living statesman want to waste his precious time with two Top Gear presenters and their piggy-eyed promoter? - 28th February 2010
- The worst thing about the smoking ban - If you start smoking at a party, I can absolutely guarantee that within five minutes everyone else will be smoking too - 24th January 2010
- Stop dribbling – your country needs you on the jury - The government tells us that jury service is 'rewarding and interesting'. But 'bloody nuisance' is probably nearer the mark - 17th January 2010
- Splosh - the march of progress is lost in a digital puddle - I can watch a small boy falling over in Adelaide and see what your teenage daughter gets up to at parties. But why bother? - 3rd January 2010
- So, Piggy, Buttocks and Rat – what shall we call Gordon? - A chap I work with is nicknamed Adam - after the apple he found on the neck of the, er, girl he took to bed in Hong Kong - 27th December 2009
- The BA strike is off – so that’s many a Christmas ruined - 20th December 2009
- Sing about the fat man again and I’ll shoot Tiny Tim - Bob Dylan is my 2,507th favourite recording artist, just after Pinky and Perky - a wart on the gall bladder of rock’n’roll - 13th December 2009
- I’m so dead – shot by both sides in the website war - I've told my kids they can smoke, drink and push old ladies into lakes, as long as they don't steal a song or a film - 29th November 2009
- Call me a spoilsport but I’m glad my dad wasn’t a lesbian - 22nd November 2009
- Stop the game, ref. We’re all too cross to play by the rules - 15th November 2009
- Get me a rope before Mandelson wipes us all out - It’s a lovely idea, to get out of this stupid, Fairtrade, Brown-stained, Mandelson-skewed, equal-opportunities, multicultural hellhole - 8th November 2009
- I’ve got a solution for the rainforest: napalm the lot - We’re told that an area of rainforest the size of Wales, or the Albert Hall, is cut down every day, and that may be true - 1st November 2009
- Cleverness is no more. This is a dumb Britain - Monty Python is apparently not funny because they delight in all manifestations of the terpsichorean muse - 11th October 2009
- Help, quick – I’ve unscrewed the top on a ticking bomb - it turns out that for two years there has been a nuclear bomb in one of my kitchen cupboards, between the tomato ketchup and the Rice Krispies - 4th October 2009
- Up to the waist in Brown’s slurry on my new farm - Last week I bought a farm. Though financially speaking, it’s entirely possible I’ve bought the farm - 27th September 2009
- Mad Johnny Baa Lamb is here to save the pit bulls - Women with frizzy hair and disappointing breasts would say all inevitably could be solved if violent video games were banned - 20th September 2009
- Forget Antigua, 007 – all the real action is in Acacia Avenue - 13th September 2009
- Not fair – donkeys get all the breaks - Have you ever tried to move a donkey when it wants to remain stationary? It’d be easier to move France - 6th September 2009
- What’s the Canadian word for ‘lousy care’? - While I was away, there was a big debate about how Barack Obama might sort out America’s healthcare system, which, say the critics, is chronically awful and fantastically unfair - 30th August 2009
- Nurse! The OAP mods are bashing the wrinkly rockers - We learnt recently that despite the best efforts of Herr Pope and Jude Law, there are now more old age pensioners in Britain than children under the age of 16 - 9th August 2009
- Soaking up the raw emotion of the best in beetroot contest - I’ve just been to a village show where nothing exploded. No one was raked with machinegun fire. Will Smith was not there. All we got was a burger van, a cow in a tent and some bees. But 10,000 people turned up - 2nd August 2009
- The conquerors are coming, Pierre – we Brits need more land - As the population grows and farmland is built on, there will come a time when we all have somewhere to live. But bugger all to eat - 26th July 2009
- Stop, you’re digging an early grave with that garden trowel - Did you know that 27% of adult male heart-attack victims are struck down while cutting the grass? You didn’t? That’s because it's not true. But I bet the real figure is huge - 19th July 2009
- Just one word and my T-shirt offends the whole of Japan - An unfortunate photograph confirms my belief that I should keep this particular type of attire tucked up in the wardrobe for good - 13th July 2009
- After three brushes with death in planes I want a parachute - Can you imagine what it must have been like on board that Air France aeroplane that crashed into the Atlantic Ocean last month? Rather dreadfully, I can - 5th July 2009
- Why do the police need a spy drone for hippies? - Johnny Pope’s merry bachelors are far more likely to be involved in crime than some druid bird with flowers in her hair - 28th June 2009
- No, I won ’t wear a tiara, if it’ s all the same to you - The dress code for life has become more casual in recent years - and that makes perfect fashion sense to me - 21st June 2009
- Now there’s a first – my elephant has just exploded - Whatever you do, you’ll always be Scott of the Antarctic, the plucky chap who came in second - 14th June 2009
- Letting beavers loose in Scotland is dam foolery - I have this advice for Scotland’s eco-ists: don’t try to manage nature. Embrace it. Make it a part of you. Eat it - 31st May 2009
- I’ll be right there, Sir Ranulph – must conquer the sofa first - I envy Ranulph Fiennes. I envy his drive. I envy his questfulness - 24th May 2009
- Okay, you’ve got me bang to rights – I’m a secret green - Last week, in this newspaper, I was outed as a recycler, a man who composts his tea bags, eats wasps and spends most of his days tutting in supermarkets at the Day-Glo orangeness of the carrots. Or, to put it another way, a damned hypocrite - 17th May 2009
- Change fast, before we all gag on the fabric of British life - Last week a million dewy-eyed fools were celebrating the 50th anniversary of the Mini, the small car that symbolises everything that’s been wrong with Britain since Hitler poisoned his dog - 10th May 2009
- Gordon the ass is stomping over everyone’s pets - The sort of socialism being practised now by Darling and Brown ultimately kills people’s dogs - 3rd May 2009
- What a difference now I’ve stopped drinking fish fingers - The first problem is finding something as enjoyable as wine. Water is useless because it’s liquefied lettuce - 26th April 2009
- It’s pure hell in the mountainous Cotswold region - You’ll be busy ridding your garden wall of slogans urging you to free up property for the glue-sniffing locals - 19th April 2009
- Stand still, wimp – only failures run off to be expats - Stay where you are and face the music, even if it’s the gristly, gooey sound of your fingernails coming out - 29th March 2009
- You’re a bunch of overpaid nancies – and I love you - Why should anyone be held up by match traffic just so some thugs can watch a Brazilian man falling over? - 22nd March 2009
- I’m starting divorce proceedings in this special relationship - Obama gave Brown a DVD. Which smacks of an “Oh, Christ. What shall we get him?” moment at the petrol station - 15th March 2009
- Class A cocoa, the powder of choice on my crock’n’roll tour - We decided to see who could throw a girl the furthest down the swimming pool. I picked the lightest but sadly, I felt my back go - 8th March 2009
- I dare you to visit Johannesburg, the city for softies - It’s the least frightening place on earth, yet everyone speaks of how many times they’ve been killed that day - 1st March 2009
- Come quick, nurse - the NHS is going frightfully green - Lunatics are running the NHS and their suggestions for the future of healthcare are extremely alarming - 1st February 2009
- Get another round in, lads – we’ve got some pubs to save - Pubs are shutting because of the idiotic notion they should encourage customers to drink responsibly - 25th January 2009
- Run for cover – Pooh the Dark Knight is coming - We’d have to know why Eeyore was so miserable, and that would lead us to his upbringing on a sink beach in Blackpool - 18th January 2009
- The world will never be safe until Scrabble is banned - Board games do not bring a family closer together. They rip out its heart in a seething cauldron of rage - 11th January 2009
- Ring a ring o’ clipboards – we all fall down - Mistakes will still be made, which is fine if you are a shelf-stacker. But not if you are a social worker - 4th January 2009
- Save the high street – ditch bad service and ugly sales girls - Pretty girls cost the same to employ as ugly ones. Nobody likes to be served by a boot-faced crow - 28th December 2008
- Ambulance, quick - some idiot’s had a brainwave - One of the reasons more people need an ambulance is because of politically motivated weather forecasting - 21st December 2998
- The BBC’s letting loonies gag me with mink knickers - I have to tell two people what I’m planning on saying. If I don’t, I am summarily dismissed - 14th December 2008
- Sorry, worms, you won’t be getting a piece of me - Seriously, you’re never going to pull an angel if you look like the contents of a Hoover bag - 7th December 2008
- I’m a Tigger, he’s a Piglet, and you must be a Pooh - Think of anyone you know and they’ll slot neatly into one of the characters from Winnie-the-Pooh - 23rd November 2008
- The daddy of all idiots at your child’s school sports day - 16th November 2008
- Into the breach, normal people, and sod the polar bears - When Donald Trump has finished his awful golf course, Scotland will look even more stupid than his hair - 9th November 2008
- Wake up and smell the coffee – tea is for morons - The most popular tea is the sort favoured by workmen. They like it because it takes an age to make - 2nd November 2008
- Take in a prisoner as a lodger and that’s two problems solved - Send me the chap from AIG who took my money and see how he likes being in my spare room for a year or two - 26th October 2008
- Ditch the laptop and suit if you wanna stay alive, Mr Corporate - When you’re in the business lounge, do not drink orange juice. Have a beer or wine. Nobody likes a teetotaller - 19th October 2008
- Play it my way, kids, and you’ll save rock’n’roll - The London Symphony Orchestra is a tribute band. It simply turns up and plays music written by someone else - 12th October 2008
- Fingers on buzzers, you bunch of ignorant twerps - Quiz shows should be designed to humiliate the stupid. There must be debates on Ibsen in Coronation Street - 5th October 2008
- Hey, let’s live fast and die when ministers tell us to - 21st September 2008
- Miss Street-Porter, I have a job for you in Cambodia - Others would say that we have enough problems on our own shores without getting all teary over the children of Mr Pot. I disagree - 14th September 2008
- Peep in my wife’s knicker drawer and see what you get - I should have written about Max Mosley last week. But I couldn’t... - 3rd August 2008
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