Simon Carr

Profile: Full name: Simon Carr Area of interest: Parliament, Government, Politics Journals/Organisation: The Independent on Sunday | The Independent Email: simoncarr@sketch.sc Personal website: Website: http://www.independent.co.uk/opinion/commentators/simon-carr Blog: Representation: Networks: https://twitter.com/#!/simonsketch

Biography: About: http://www.independent.co.uk/biography/simon-carr Education: Haileybury; Brasenose College, Oxford Career: Helped to launch The Independent, 1986; moved to New Zealand, where he was a senior writer for Metro (current affairs magazine) and National Business Review and a speech writer for the prime minister of New Zealand, 1992/1994; since return to UK has been The Independent's Parliamentary sketch writer, 2000- Random House Books biography Current position/role: Commentator (Parliamentary sketch writer) also writes/written for: Other roles/Main role: Author, including pseudonymous humour books Other activities: Disclosures: Viewpoints/Insight: The Kitchen Capitalist unwraps his big idea - The Independent, 6th November 2006 ‘The Boys Are Back’ - Bringing up two boys in an all-male household, BBC Woman's Hour, 19th January 2010 Broadcast media: Experienced broadcaster Video: Controversy/Criticism: Home Office (press office): "The Home Secretary wrote to Simon Carr, columnist at the Independent, to correct a number of inaccuate statements on the government's record on civil liberties, made in a recent article": Home Secretary Charles Clarke's letter to Simon Carr, columnist at the Independent If you still think you live in a liberal and democratic society, then please read on, Independent, 15th April 2006 Awards/Honours: Scoops: Other:

Books & Debate: The hop quad dolly (1991) OCLC 24072312 The dark art of politics (1997) OCLC 43467014 (about politics in New Zealand) The boys are back in town (2000) OCLC 59555778 The gripes of wrath: everyday absurdities to make your blood boil! (2005) OCLC 61440914 Sour gripes (2006) OCLC 70672118 Latest work: Speaking/Appearances: Debate:

The Independent: Column name: The Sketch Remit/Info: Observations on parliamentary politics Section: Role: Commentator / Parliamentary sketch writer Pen-name: Email: simoncarr@sketch.sc Personal website: Website: http://www.independent.co.uk/opinion/commentators/simon-carr Commissioning editor: Day published: Tuesday to Friday Regularity: Weekdays Column format: Average length:

Comment pieces: 2011 Go back to your constituencies and prepare for school! - Simon Carr is impressed – and depressed – by UK Youth Parliament - 5th November Legislation could be too blunt to draw a fine line - "Celebrity," Private Eye editor Ian Hislop told the Privacy and Injunctions Joint Committee, "is the exchange of privacy for money." - 1st November An economic catastrophe – and George is in ecstasy - It's not his fault, and acts as a distraction from his problems - 28th October We shouldn't be surprised, he thinks he's untouchable - If it can be said Tory high command is "out of touch" – it's not quite right to say that about Oliver Letwin - 15th October Ed expected lashings of laughs... - ... All he got was pain - 15th September Where are the whips when a dose of real punishment is needed? - The bankers will never forget they were bailed out and got a £14bn bonus - 13th September A week to decide the BSkyB deal and a lot depends on the Speaker - Jeremy Hunt extended the consultation for his BSkyB decision for an extra week to this Friday - 6th July The war with Murdoch is off: Hunt announces peace in our time - It shows that MPs must still retain some respect from the public: we don't expect them to be afraid of anyone. But whenever Tom Watson stands up to ask about phone hacking, or the Sky bid – anything to do with Rupert Murdoch – the House goes into silence - 1st July Defence reform is all about the fog of war - There are astonishing sums splashed around in buying these agents of death - 28th June Advice to Ed: just say what you mean - Whatever a 'relational capacity' is, I am not having mine expanded by Labour - 21st May A smattering of villains - a dollop of tradition - What on earth was Mohamed al Fayed doing in the Abbey? - 30th April When did nurses go from nuns to sadists? - In more primitive days, nurses were called; it was a vocation. They wore bright uniforms with starched little caps - 16th April We all think we're superior to somebody - What most men want is to do a bit better than their father. That's all - 12th February

Comment pieces: 2010 Simon Carr's verdict on the new shadow cabinet - 9th October It's all sweetness and light now – but just you wait until October - Will they manage the 40 per cent cuts they're talking about? They'll end up with half what they aim for - 28th July Ed wants to connect with you (but not talk to you) - Ed Miliband said he loved his brother "very much". When people say that they're never telling the truth - 27th July Cameron's dark arts have even won over opposition MPs - You might be sick of hearing what a character the PM cuts in the Commons - 8th July Unicorn blocked its ears to PM's ramblings - PM's purpose was to set our minds at rest over immigration. Calm our fears - 1st April You can go too far in cursing - Now when Brown is accused of anything, it improves his reputation - 22nd March The truth won't get you anywhere in politics - My suspicion is that even fellow travellers take every single little thing sceptically - 10th March Another witness is let off the hook - The Prime Minister had a good day. He had learned the lessons of the war - 6th March (Iraq war inquiry) No tingle, just the hopey-changey stuff - My notes are splashed with a commentary that can be rendered only in asterisks - 1st March Rich, and generous with his verbosity - The RBS boss could hang Istanbul off his charm bracelet - 23rd February Advice on how to catch a husband - Women today need to know how to make men marry them – it's a lost art - 22nd February The truth about our former PM - Christ comes back and ushers in 1,000 years of security, stability and non-inflationary growth - 1st February Legality is what the best lawyer says it is - I've consulted enough QCs in my litigious life to know how to find out how good your case is - 28th January Weak questioning gets answers it deserves - If they are unable to stop politicians regurgitating this drivel they shouldn't be on the committee - 26th January Feeling down? Think about suicide - A perfectly good alternative to eternal death is to book a week in Ibiza - 25th January Predicting weather is a mug's game - Three days out and the forecasters are guessing – and it's been proven so - 11th January

Comment Pieces: 2009 I read the news today. Oh boy... - One happy, silly item is put in to balance 500 pieces of angst and anger - 30th December The way to lead is by example - Why not pledge that in a decade all public service cars will be electric? - 21st December Put carers in high-visibility jackets - Joggers should wear lights front and rear. But not number plates - 14th December If, by chance, Vince is at the Dispatch Box next year - Tax revenues will have collapsed, public debt will be soaring, credit rating dropping like a stone, pound coins falling below their scrap value, bankers running through the streets seizing children for collateral... It will be Cable's moment! - 10th December So, scientists are just as political as the rest - We must add climate scientists to those who treat us as hawks treat chicks - 30th November Don't call me an alcoholic - Binge-drinking was once praised as being safer than steady soaking - 9th November The kids were all right (and knew as much as our MPs) - When they walked in, the members of the UK Youth Parliament, my younger colleagues in the Gallery became wonderfully blimpish - 31st October Nothing is as it seems in the elliptical world of immigration - Home Office questions. It must be said that Alan Johnson doesn't look as hopeless as he keeps saying he is. "Vote for me! I haven't got the desire, the talent, the confidence for the job!" Maybe it's a more cunning plan than we think - 27th October The State doesn't own our children. Yet - Our institutions came to exist in a state of dynamic tension - 26th October Disney's role in a boy's awakening - News that Marge Simpson is doing Playboy sent me on a journey - 12th October The last day of Labour - Every main speech had ended with the word "We will fight! To win!" But the ragged singing of the Red Flag told a different story - 2nd October All I needed was a bank account - I was using a Mac. And their internet service didn't work on Macs ... - 7th September Is all this gloom really justified? - Maybe every portrait is a self-portrait and we fear we’re doomed - 24th August When logic is the enemy of reason - Coco Chanel smoked. She is a role model. Then it gets complicated - 17th August The global economy: my part in its downfall - Why are three different debt collectors chasing the same debt? - 10th August A blatant crime – but no justice - There’s blood everywhere, and the attacker walks away nonchalantly - 3rd August Why can't the PM ever be straight? - He says something in three stages with a get-out in the middle - 27th July You need contacts to get celebrities on the phone - In networking terms, you wouldn’t ask a networker for a celebrity’s number - 25th July If you really want reasons to be cheerful, take up golf - We don't play each other. We play the course. And the course wins - 20th July Abusing leaders is a person's right - Politics happens when you start acting out of hatred of your enemies - 17th July There's a lot in peasant wisdom - We've detached ourselves from our real lives to live a subjunctive world - 13th July Who's rich when others are richer? - If your neighbour gets a promotion, that could create serious problems - 6th July Celebrations then, but the real work starts now - Truth to tell, it is a triumph for him, the complete fruition of a long-term plan - 23rd June Can we forget expenses? - Rules are a rotten way to regulate MPs' behaviour - 22nd June Who would ever be an entrepreneur? - Enterprise is a nightmare of red ink and columns that don't add up - 15th June Will Ms Smith face 'extreme' expenses? - To add to her travails, the Home Secretary is today receiving a claim for £100,000 by the American "extreme" radio host Michael Savage. Jacqui Smith had put him on a list of undesirables and banned him from visiting Britain - 1st June Lose weight? Live like your grandparents - My main failing is not lack of will power – it's greed - 25th May Maybe we've only just begun. Here are three possible effects... - The Independent's sketchwriter on the deadliest of scandals - 22nd May The favourite is yet another Etonian. But could it be DD or FF? - What can't they do? Three Labour speakers in a row? That's too daring surely. But they are talking about an "interim speaker" who will stand down from Parliament at the next election - 20th May I am really not sure I'd do the right thing - First the bankers, then the police, now the MPs. We are seeing a wholesale crash in the structures of authority. We all believe we will do the right thing, personally, ourselves. Is that how we usher in a new Republic of Virtue? Or will we just roll along doing what everyone else does, safe in a crowd and obedient to our various masters? - 18th May The blame game ends with this vindictive, angry, secretive Speaker - In terms of Speakerly convention, the man was raving - 12th May (see: Order! Order! Outrage after Speaker rebukes MPs) PC is perfect for conservatives - The bill will do the opposite of what is intended - 11th May Has Hislop got news for you about privacy - He must know more terrible things about more terrible people than anyone else - 6th May Brown is in his bunker, with the crisis to come - The PM is divorced from reality. He can no longer see for himself - 4th May We must be gullible to keep listening to these scares - We do provide a receptive climate for the bacillus of looming disaster - 27th April Smears, fury, treachery, suspenders - Take a condensed edition of the news and then see if you're not anxious - 20th April Why sorry is the hardest word for Gordon - Poor old Gordon, it's because he hasn't got any manners. He could have shut this down at the beginning of the week with a little human expertise. But he thinks – and who can blame him? – that there are more important things going on, and he should be seen to be up there saving the world, not down here scragging in the media playground - 17th April Tony's Godly guidance must be bolder - Memo to Tony: Ignore the carping from critics, you're on to something real - 13th April A good diarist knows himself - Chris Mullin created a great comic character - the one called Chris Mullin - 6th April How to save? Go deep into the red - You can't stuff it under the mattress – police will confiscate it - 30th March These MPs are just benefit cheats - In what sense are their claims not a welfare fraud? - 28th March A price rise isn't going to stop teenagers binge-drinking - Alcohol abuse is one of our most enduring national characteristics - 16th March Databases will be the ruin of us all - The more doctors screen for diseases the less they will examine patients - 9th March Please yourself... ignore the do-gooders - When I gave up alcohol entirely I wanted to die. It was the boredom - 2nd March Here's how to make a real apology - Those saying sorry show no remorse, don’t repent, and are not contrite - 16th February If science and St Valentine say women are the superior sex, who am I to argue? - Evolving women selected men with smaller heads. They were less trouble - 14th February Here's what I'd say to the bankers - Many think that regulation is the answer. It isn't. Revenge is - 9th February archive

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